Letting it all out

FYI, I’m not gonna kill myself tonight and this post is depressing. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya. 😉

I feel empty tonight.

I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I’m having a panic attack. I feel like I’m stucked in this house. I can’t breathe properly.

I just wish someone would cuddle up with me right now. I haven’t done my homework yet. Exams are like in a month and I haven’t studied yet which sucks cause I don’t have the motivation to do so. I feel stupid sometimes. Wanting something that is expensive but lazy to work hard to earn it. I know for sure, I will not be like this forever.

My boyfriend wanted me to sleep early tonight, but the thing is that I can’t. Instead, I’m blogging about my feelings right now. I just needed to get it off my chest, that’s why I’m letting go some of my feelings.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m useless. I feel like I’m not helping others when they’re suffering. I wanted to help but some people would pushed me away as if I’m nothing. I always keep thinking, am I making other people happy or was I being too selfish making myself happy? Why do I always care what other people is feeling? Why should I? I don’t know. I always think that it is my job to make them happy even though it is kind of fail. I always put other people’s happiness first than mine but sometimes I would get treated like shit. Some people would take granted for the things I do whether it’s for them or for myself.

I don’t know if I’m okay right now but letting go of this feelings makes my anxiety level to decrease.

I love both of my parents whole-heartedly but they kept pressuring me to have good grades so I can have brighter future. It stresses me sometimes. I want to have a bright future with the loved ones. I swear I do but not supporting with what I want to do with my life is not what they should do. My mom won’t let me study overseas. I also want them to see me as a succesful lady who does not rely things on her husband. I hope they will.

Feeling left out is the worst feeling ever but there’s nothing we can do actually. I’m so used to feel left out. It’s not new to me. I like to hide the pain that I’m suffering so that I won’t let anyone feel worry about me because I don’t want them to be.

I also feel like I have to be careful with who I’m friends with cause I only trust like small amount of people.

I’m used to feel disappointed. I may not show it but deep down inside me, it’s killing me.

UGHHHHH.

I want to sleep forever.

I miss my boyfriend and some of my friends.

It’s killing meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee……

 

 

 

xoxo,

R

 

 

 

 

 

 

SONG OF A NIGHT ;

Axwell /\ Ingrosso – More Than You Know

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